(Drafted a few months back)

I think we spend our whole lives just trying to tick off multiple lists of ideals that we have for ourselves that sometimes we don't realize that sometimes it's about taking that leap of faith. After all, I do think that if life is too methodical, the lack of romance and uncertainty will eventually creep up. 

Who knows if I'm being too stringent and picky with jobs, relationships, friendships and more. Even though I no longer believe in the divine, I do subscribe to the mantra of "everything happens for a reason". Most of the initial disappointments I've faced in life have eventually led me to wonderful experiences I'm immensely thankful for. 

Just simply knowing that Yogi’s spending tonight alone in that cage is heart wrenching enough. I couldn’t even hug him properly because of all the tubes that were stuck onto him. I’m sure that video call with my sister was one of the most heartbreaking thing we both had to do in a long time and that’s absolutely nothing compared to what he’s going through. Yogi was just happily being himself, sniffing every tree he could get his nose on, even as I anxiously carried him to the vet this afternoon.  I hope he pulls through just like he did years ago. For now, I’m so heartbroken.

In the morning i'll be better (written in 2015)

I guess when you're not in the best mood, you lose focus of the people that truly matter. When my aunt left us a couple of years ago, the realities of death really struck me for the first time. We were all huddled around her hospital bed and watching her slowly slip away from us as her breaths became weaker by the minute. I was unusually calm and composed//I wasn't in tears.

"this isn't her, she wouldn't be like this"

I vividly recall that the first time that it really hit me was when my sister showed up at the wake, arriving straight from the airport. It was way past midnight and I was sitting by myself at the round table still trying to process my thoughts. I suppose having Shalyn around just brought back so much memories of all of us together as my aunt was always watching out for us since we were kids. Seeing her tears welling up, I just lost it as well.

Well, I'm pretty much done with Year 2 of university except for one last pesky sociology paper next Tuesday. I gotta say, its been a pretty chill semester given the fact that I have only two finals which are conveniently one week spaced apart from each other. That supposedly gives me sufficient time to concentrate and study for each paper. 


But it's me, I'm easily distracted and I'm constantly finding ways to escape studying. So here I am facing my macbook screen while surrounded by tons of unread notes. Good lord, I really don't deserve to do well. But still -fingerscrossed- I sincerely hope I do.  #storyofmylife 


It's been an important semester for me, mainly because the modules I took this semester made me figure out what I was really interested in, career-wise. It's gratifying to finally have something substantial to work towards. Well, its not like I entered university without having a slight clue to what I wanted in life. Honestly, it was narrowing down to my least disliked choices. 


Up till tertiary education, I was pretty much going with the flow. If math & science were the way to go, I'm definitely there. If the most popular choice was triple science, that'd be my first choice. Ironically, I was always kinda doing better in arts/humanities subjects. Not arts & crafts though, 14-year-old Jermaine had to get his mother to help him with his drawings. Other than ridiculous snapchat drawings, I'm just really bad at hands-on kinda stuff. Don't even get me started on design & technology. Other than a dysfunctional clock and a standby terrific story to save me from awkwardness when conversations dry out, I don't think I've learnt much from D&T. 


I enjoyed reading and writing about Singapore's war history, how volcanos and oxbow lakes were formed and even Animal Farm and Totto-chan. But there I was, struggling to crunch numbers on calculators in math tuition. Input effort and output results were severely disproportionate. Oh, I really hated math homework.


There was one year where I didn't hand up any math homework at all. I think that was when I was 15. Hmm. I can't exactly recall how I managed to get away with it the entire year but my math teacher was obviously fuming about it. He gave me an ultimatum - get an A for my math prelims or hand up a years' worth of math homework. 


Thankfully, I pulled through. #humblebrag #speechlessmathteacher 


Anyways after almost getting slaughtered during A levels, I decided that I never wanted to touch math or science ever again. So that's pretty much how I ended up at NUS.  I'm really enjoying what I'm learning right now. Other than that one incoherent lecturer with a super thick accent coupled with an unfortunate lunchtime lecture slot, I don't really fall asleep in university lectures. That's something considering how often I dozed off back in JC. 


Thankful for my uni education. 

Today was a pretty bad day for me. 


Maybe it was the lack of sleep that I had. Perhaps it's the super warm room that I'm in right now as I'm typing this. It's one of those days where you just want to collapse on your bed and not talk to anybody. 


That's exactly what I did. 


I switched off whatsapp notifications, placed my phone on it's screen and crawled up into bed.


Here's what happened:


Well on Saturday while everyone else was asleep at home, my Mom pulled me aside for a talk. To be honest, because I was just too preoccupied with life on my own in school, I hadn't exactly the opportunity to be able to properly talk to my Mom in quite a while.


In a nutshell, 4 am conversations are never lighthearted. With a sombre mood, we had a conversation about life. Well actually, it was more about my life. Aspects of it that she was unhappy about. 


"Are you going to church tomorrow?" 


I shook my head, with a mandatory sheepish look on my face. 


"Jermaine when I allow you to skip Sunday services, it doesn't mean that you can just completely disappear from church." 


Whatever I retorted subsequently wasn't important. It was the following that got to me. 


"I'm always doing things for you to make you happy, for example I paid for your macbook upgrade (which by the way was a really good decision, no more frustration yass) and it wasn't cheap."


"Mummy is happy to see you happy. You know that. But don't you think that you should do your part and do things that pleases me as well?" 


Okay that last part there got right to me. 


She's right. I've been egotistical and the reasons for my recent actions were just solely centered upon me, myself and I. Be it with my friends or family, I know she was spot on. 


That got to me because selfishness is one quality that I despise most about people. My friends would know clearly how often I comment on how unbelievable that some people can have such lack of consideration for others. It's something that really irks me. 


SO, to have that kind of self-realization when I look myself in the mirror is a huge kick to my gut. 


Oh by the way, the church issue is just one aspect. I've been egocentric in so many ways that I can't be bothered spelling them out right here. 


We also talked about other issues like Ah Ya's (my aunt) death, how life is unpredictable and how we should be grateful for the smooth sailing circumstances in our lives. Bummer :\


As always, she ended our talk by heaping some praises on me. 


"But, I've noticed that you've been yadayadaydaydaydayaya.... and that's really good, keep it up" 


That's what I really like about my Mom. She has a way of putting things into perspective for me. She's able to point out things about me that I'd thought no one would even notice or even better, something that I didn't even realize about myself.


Just something to share about. There are of course other things that made me unhappy today. But, it's 5am and as always, there's some work waiting for me. 

Expiry date

You'll hate me but that's okay

Earlier today, I was scrolling through my Facebook profile till 2008. Back then, I was still regularly posting (overtly attention seeking) status updates and people actually commented and started conversations with me. 

Seriously hahahahaha

Currently other than a select few(two), I don't actually talk to any of them. Truthfully, I would consider most of them acquaintances. While I'd love to catch up with some of them over coffee or something, chances are, the relationship would never be the same as it was then. 

No, it's not a case of 'shit realizing that I'm losing all my friends'. Rather, I recognise that circumstances change. We don't see each other on a daily basis in school anymore. Hearts were broken. Promises weren't kept. We grew up. Our personalities changed. 

The circumstances of my relationship with the people above are unique and once it changes, in a certain sense we bid farewell to each other. That being said, hell it doesn't mean what we shared meant nothing to me. 

because you'll go on to meet other new people and eventually forget about me. 

“People come, people go – they’ll drift in and out of your life, almost like characters in a favorite book. When you finally close the cover, the characters have told their story and you start up again with another book, complete with new characters and adventures. Then you find yourself focusing on the new ones, not the ones from the past.”

Life goes on. It's 6 am and I'm friggin starving. *groans*

 theres a reason why im only posting this here HAHA